Struggling through with joy... |
kind of.
Struggling through with joy... |
Sunday night as I tucked my four-year-old daughter in, she smiled and asked, “What’s insomnia?” My heart gripped in the same way it does when she says, “My tummy feels funny.”
Insomnia is an ailment I do not want her to know. It is the sly creature that creeps into my psyche several nights a week, most weeks, dark and quiet, claws digging in to my brain and taking hold. It fills me with doubt and fear and general anxiety. It inflates small problems and digs trenches in my soul as I think the same thoughts over and over. What if, what if, what if…. Insomnia, too, presents solutions. In my repetitive thoughts I’ve often found resolve, a new path, resignation. When I was young insomnia woke me and whispered, “You don’t love him anymore,” showing me a path out of an abusive relationship. Just last night insomnia gave me permission to make practical changes in my reading instruction for the next four weeks. Insomnia can be mundane. Insomnia deepens my appreciation for my cat, when I tiptoe to the couch on the worst nights and invite her up to comfort me with her warm purr. Her slight weight pins me back on earth, where I belong, where this sleepless night will pass. Insomnia reveals the tenderness of my husband, who wakes with me most nights, pats my hip or rubs my back, silently signaling that I am not alone. Insomnia has been my nighttime companion for most of my adult life. I am slowly learning to accept it, which somehow makes it less powerful. I didn’t say all these things to my daughter. I kissed her forehead and replied, “Insomnia is when you have a little trouble sleeping.” She nodded and tucked her head under my chin, readying herself for sleep.
5 Comments
Vivian Chen
3/2/2021 06:57:23 am
I was drawn to your post as I just suffered through another sleepless night. The way you started each paragraph with Insomnia made this post very poetic. Even as you describe some of the "positive" moments I could still feel the anxiety you describe at the beginning.
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3/2/2021 10:53:01 am
You were wise in that you did not describe this dreadful, although sometimes, helpful affliction. Your sentences, "Insomnia has been my nighttime companion for most of my adult life. I am slowly learning to accept it, which somehow makes it less powerful." resonated with me, as I share this nighttime visitor for many of the same reasons. I've written about it frequently. Thanks for sharing. I hope you have a solid night's sleep soon!
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Erika Victor
3/2/2021 04:03:24 pm
I wrote about night waking (what I prefer to call insomnia who knows why) today also. As you say, there can be some benefits for sure. A friend shared this podcast when she read my post: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-peter-attia-drive/id1400828889?i=1000489634662
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Julie McGowan
3/2/2021 06:45:55 pm
Thank you for so clearly pointing out the positives of insomnia. As a fellow sufferer, I find myself resenting it more than accepting. Thank you for such a helpful slice!
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