Struggling through with joy... |
kind of.
Struggling through with joy... |
Most Friday nights we eat junk food and watch a movie, like many American families. We drag the toddler’s high chair in next to my husband, who occupies the recliner, and my son and I sit next to each other on the couch.
You would think this is a relaxing affair, but it very often isn’t. Yet we persist. Why? Because my son is alternately terrified of and fascinated by movies. We’re afraid it will turn to just terrified if we stop watching them every Friday night. We are careful about what we watch because he is so easily scared. He usually spends the first fifteen minutes of the movie climbing up on the back of the couch to get away from the overwhelming action of, for example, Horton Hears a Who, folding his earlobes up with his thumbs and covering his ears with his hands. His younger sister has taken to doing the same thing, although she has the confused look of a person who’s wondering what the big deal is. When he’s burying his head in the throw pillows she’s screaming with delight at whatever is happening on the screen. They are two very different kids. My boy is sensitive. Which is 100% ok with me. Kind of. I worry. (I worry most of the time. If I’m not worrying about something specific, I’m worried there’s something I should be worrying about that I missed. Yes, I’m serious. Yes, I’m working on it.) I only worry a little bit about his fears, because I know most kids his age tend to get scared. I don’t want my son to be crippled by them, as I have been for a lot of my life. I’m a quiet worrier (cue husband clearing his throat in polite disagreement) but my various anxieties have obstructed my path far too many times. I also worry about the implications of raising a sweet, sensitive boy in our world. He goes to school in little over a year, and he will finally escape the safe little bubble we’ve made for him: his only daycare since age one has been grandparents. He goes to a small, church preschool with similarly sheltered children. He’s never had a night away from us. He never watches the news; we rarely have the t.v. on at all unless we’re watching sports or cooking shows. He only plays video games once or twice a year, when we go to the local arcade or when his cousins visit. Even then the games are strictly age-appropriate. But very soon, he'll be in classes with children who have been exposed to a whole lot more. Which is 100% ok, too. Kind of. As a teacher, I know how important it is that he venture out on his own. I am trying hard to cultivate the faith and trust I’ll need to let him fail, to make mistakes and get hurt, to hear and learn of things that are frightening or confusing, because I know that’s how he’ll grow strong and sure. I hope we’re building him a firm foundation, giving him a safe place to question and grow from his challenges. In the meantime, I’ll hold his hand while we watch Horton and insist he stick it through to the funny parts. I’ll peek outside as he plays in the backyard alone, lost in a world where he is the hero, building spaceships and conquering Storm Troopers. I'll nudge him to take little risks and celebrate when he succeeds, finally, after many tries. We'll take deep breaths together, going forth, knowing one day we'll be separate, but always connected.
6 Comments
john
3/3/2018 03:12:53 pm
go mom go
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Oh, mama! You're doing a great job. I know it can be SO hard. Especially when they are so young and we can be terrified about what may come in the future! This was beautifully crafted, so I could really hear your fears and see your little family and their Friday night tradition... Well done.
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Sonja Schulz
3/3/2018 06:47:09 pm
this---I'll nudge him to take little risks and celebrate when he succeeds, finally, after many tries. We'll take deep breaths together, going forth, knowing one day we'll be separate, but always connected.
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This captures the struggle soo well. And the more you do with your own worries and fears, the more you'll have to offer him as he struggles with his. Kudos, solidarity, and thanks for sharing. Writing wise: I love the way you grounded us in movie night and then expanded out to include so much more.
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3/4/2018 12:34:24 pm
Parenting is so tricky! My children love movies, but each gets nervous at times about certain movies, or parts of movies. We have to skip over certain scenes every time, even if they have seen the movie 50 times. For us the real worry is co-sleeping. We have weeks at a time when my 5 year old shows up in bed with us every night. Around 2 or 3 in the morning, he arrives, often climbing in without waking either parent. Just when I think he has outgrown it, I wake up with his feet in my face. He says it is because my bed is cozy, but I know there is other stuff going on that makes him need closeness in the middle of the night.
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