Struggling through with joy... |
kind of.
Struggling through with joy... |
I read the practice of being grateful will bring lasting happiness. This isn’t true. Happiness doesn’t last, it is ephemeral and disappears with the necessities of life: grief, boredom, monotony and dissatisfaction. Always dissatisfaction.
Gratitude leaves its mark, though. Every day I pray, give thanks for all the things I’m grateful for: abundance, my good husband, two healthy children, the way the light hits the mountains differently every day, the way the mountains remind me of my insignificance. I am a small thing in this world. The mountains will stay the same even as I fall with my brokenness. They will be there when I get up, work on healing, feel happiness again. There will always be the changing light on the mountains. This is something to be grateful for. In the early afternoon sun of an almost-spring day my children play in the yard. I race over the dead grass with my son, leaping and yelling and shooting our imagined enemy. We pause at the playhouse where my daughter jabbers on the broken phone to her uncle, toddles to the window where I squat, waiting for her, leans out to give me a kiss then pulls the plastic shutters closed and giggles. I sit in the grass with them and dig in the dry dirt, noting how filthy their clothes are getting and letting it go. The sun is so warm on my back and these two are intent on their purpose, not needing shovels or tools, digging away with stick and hand. Sometimes gratitude is like this, if I practice it enough. Not even a thought, but the surest understanding that this is what I longed for, and I feel instead of know. It is the sustenance that will keep me during the broken times, the vision of my daughter’s serious face as she pours dirt on her legs, my son as he tills the soil and tells me of the magical things he will plant, his golden eyes alive with wonder; it is the respite I think I will find in an overprice vacation but find out here instead, in the dirt of our backyard. It is the thing I need more happiness.
3 Comments
elsie
3/14/2018 01:10:27 pm
This is a perfect example of how a small moment impacts daily living. This is a precious time with your little ones, enjoy them.
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Sonja Schulz
3/14/2018 05:31:02 pm
that sounds like the perfect respite for sure. Yes to gratitude--and enjoying the moment, because you are absolutely correct--happiness is fleeting.
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3/14/2018 05:33:56 pm
I love this. It really has me thinking about how often I forgot to just be grateful for what I have before me. I appreciate little breaks from my work life when I can focus on my family and think about how glad I am just to be with them - even if we aren't doing anything.
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